The issue was I started the poster about 2 years ago almost to completion, completed it maybe 6 months before now but wanted to have it documented professionally before losing it forever. The photography belatedly happened last weekend. So I finally mailed it out the other day, after having it sit and collect dust for so long in my studio I'm glad to get rid of it. Almost 2 years late. Better late than never right? Right? I don't know, I just don't like breaking promises and I gave my word that a piece of art would be coming to her. There are definitely situations when keeping the said promise becomes inappropriate. Like say for example the girl was now married and you no longer maintained a friendship or she became a nun or the past was so hurtful that the painting or the act of receiving it would bring back painful memories that just needed to be forgotten. But this situation was none of those. We simply got busy with our own lives and lost interest in the life of the other, it wasn't bad, it just naturally dissipated.....which is perfectly fine. I think that's what happens when the relationship is romantic before there was ever a friendship and the romantic part doesn't last long enough for a friendship to develop. I still believe good relationships build from good friendships.
So I just titled it and mailed it with no note, although I did put my name so that she would know who it's from and my address is on the return for the packaging. I'm not expecting a response. "No response required". I hope she enjoys it. It was a good piece, one I would've liked to keep, the only reason I was glad to see it go was because I'd already let it go. Someone even offered to buy it for a pretty reasonable price, I honestly deliberated just for a moment but the work was too specific so I couldn't. Just didn't seem right.
Have you ever wanted to punch yourself?
The other day, I was punching the bag with a new pair of gloves, and then I started wondering how much it would hurt if I got hit with someone wearing that particular set of gloves. So I punched myself in the face, lightly at first then I got brave and really went for it. Hurt like hell. Immediately following I was wondering why I would inflict such pain on myself as I stood for a moment seriously moaning. Mouth open moaning. But this isn't even what I'm talking about.
I'm working on a graphic novel, really a small zine for the upcoming SF zinefest in September. Something I've been wanting to do for a long time, but now that I have a deadline I think I'll actually get it done unless I just can't get past the story. See once I get the story down I'll be free to illustrate and do the imagery, but I'm stuck right now with the story. I'm just as excited with the writing but it definitely isn't my strong suite. I have a nice intro, good scenes, but no end, and no real overarching theme and there aren't details about the relationship..it just kind of starts and then ends. It's a story that's supposed to be loosely based on my life and a particular relationship but it's completely that very story to the T. I can't seem to separate myself from it enough to fictionalize any of it. The other part is I don't exactly remember all the very specific details so I'd have to go back and revisit physical documents to get those. Anytime you do that, it's a little scary. You never know what will happen. Although I'm pretty confident I've completely healed from that particular past, there are the things that still affect you even after the healing, the things that are peripheral to the relationship. There's always the unexpected, as much as you try to consider every possible thing that could happen, you never think of the one that does.
So last night I ventured to that place. I went down to the basement and dug up all the old journals, mementos, photos and letters. Then I went to my email account and searched for all the emails that were exchanged over the 6 years, so many at the beginning only a handful in the end. I sat there reading them, initially unaffected, not surprised that I wasn't. Then I got into the long break up emails the ones that described in detail why things didn't work. The ones that gave detailed descriptions of how wonderful we were as people yet not compatible. The ones that told of how sorry we were for all the pressures and wrongful expectations we placed on each other. And then the story started to unfold even further... in the details, in the snapshot of everyday life that was captured in g-chat email records. I was still trying to figure out life and my passions, I couldn't promise a future I didn't know but I wanted to so bad.
There was one chat string in particular that broke me. She started humming, in the youngest child-like way she did and I ignored that completely, instead pressing her about plane tickets, she continued humming.. punching out beautiful words to this song, I kept pressing between those words until she responded to me. Then I told her I was If I could heal your words
leaving to eat and she inquired about the food and who I was eating Shelter me
with and I simply said "spaghetti" and left..in the string you could Comfort me
see additional questions and the multiple hellos? Hellos? David? You will live
You there? and then a sad face :( . And I could hear her voice and I was If I could show you how
cringing, helpless, unable to go back in time. All I could do was pinch I won't desert you now
the skin on top of my forearms. I was so insensitive, so mean. The rain can't hurt me now
Who was that guy? How dare he, how dare I. And at that moment I This rain will wash away what's past
wanted to punch him in the face, punch myself in the face. And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last
Mike Kim from the City, I never knew this guy did hip hop he always just told me he did mixes, I always thought it was dance music. I'm just now listening to his stuff, he's pretty dope though, has his own label, produces, Djs....I love entrepreneurship, always so inspiring. Oh and he just got married:
This one sounds cool too but I can't find the music video. It all comes together in the end:
My friend Joey left to go live at a Buddhist monastery for the second time. His first Halloween in Oakland was mine also, that's the night we met. He bequeathed to me his entire wardrobe before he left, too bad he's six inches taller than me. Don't know when he'll be back.....for the second time.
I'm feel'n this and it fits as I think of him. Joey would feel this too. Oh and he gave me a grip of music, I haven't even started to scratch the surface.
You ever have one of those days where you have to catch your breath every so often because so much is going on, it's rough and you just forget. I've had one of those today. Even now as I type this out I'm finding myself having to stop for a moment to remember to breathe, not a short quick one but a long slow one..... and it feels like that breath is the only moment away from the hard day. And sometimes when I have those days I feel like my diaphragm contracts and stays that way and it almost hurts to take that deep breath. And sometimes I mistake the diaphragm for my heart.
I like stupid songs I realized. I was talking to friend about a video she was doing and she turned me unto an artist named Bon Iver. I 've never heard of him before, I've not heard of a lot of people before. I'm one of those that would walk right past really big celebrities. Anyhow so I looked him up on youtube and damn his stuff is good. And then I started listening to the other similar stuff and dang theirs is just as good or better....so much more than the stuff I like. I only hear things on the radio, randomly hap upon them, a friend turns me on to them or pandora tells me the artist I should like if I tell them ones to already do. Speaking of pandora I ran out of the free monthly credits so I'm booted until next month. I initially resorted to Myspace because the artists put out a stream of tracks so I could let them run on auto without messing with it for a bit which is what I need my music to be..self sufficient. And today just as the 24 minute Myspace show was coming to a close my friend sent me 3 full albums, because 24 mins is definitely not self sufficient enough I need hours. Anyhow so with my limited exposure to music I end up liking dumb songs, but I really like them so that's where I camp in life, I'm content and once in a while a friend or some other how I'm turned on to really good stuff and for a moment I'm reminded that I like dumb songs. The thing is I used to really be into music, knowing the latest and greatest but at some point in my life I came to the realization that it was way too time consuming because it does take tons of time to follow that stuff and not to mention the money...so many CDs. It just wasn't and isn't a big enough priority in my life although I love music. Music and art.
And the other thing I discovered recently on this amazing journey of music discovery were these cool things called "take away shows". This was what my friend was doing, being filmed for one of these; they come in all shapes and sizes, but they're basically high quality street footage of artists playing music in super small venues like apartments, on the streets, subways even in elevators with no one really but the people on streets as their audience. They are street level. Free and accessible to everybody. They're just walking through the streets, right in between the crowds, even having to make way so people can make their way through, there's background noise, it's raw that way...there's even one where this old man comes and sings his own song with the guys. The people in the background are just as important as the performer. The band's just having fun...I don't know how popular these guys are in France but it seems no one even knows who the hell they are. So even fame is out the window. This stuff is dope. Makes me want to do something equivelant with visual art but what?
Love Vigilantes by Iron and Wine. The original done by New Order (of Bizarre Love Triangle fame), which may very well be my all time favorite band. Nothing like the 80s for good music.
Too bad there's no dope video to go with it but there's a dope beard you can stare at for 3 and a half minutes. That's what I've been doing trying to figure out how I could get mine to look that way.
Here's the original....You'd think somewhere in the 30 years they've been around someone would've come up with a good video to be coupled with the song but oh well...photo montage works I guess.
Oh, I've just come from the land of the sun From a war that must be won in the name of truth With our soldiers so brave, your freedom we will save With our rifles and grenades and some help from God
I want to see my family My wife and child are waiting for me I've got to go home I've been so alone, you see
You just can't believe the joy I did receive When I finally got my leave and I was going home Oh, I flew through the sky and my convictions could not lie For my country I would die and I will see it soon
And I want to see my family My wife and child are waiting for me I've got to go home I've been so alone, you see
When I walked through the door my wife she laid upon the floor And with tears her eyes did soar, I did not know why Then I looked into her hand and I saw the telegram Said that I was a brave, brave man but that I was dead
I want to see my family My wife and child are waiting for me Got to go home I've been so alone, you see
I want to see my family My wife and child are waiting for me I've got to go home I've been so alone, you see
Here's the game. See how much damage one can do to his body over a 2 and a half week period in Haiti.
Haiti Injury Count:
-Cuts in shoulder from my heavy backpack. Painless but pretty clearly there when I finally notice them. -Really bad sunburn all over my entire back, pretty early on my second day out there from the beach expedition. I could've sworn I covered myself with sunblock but practically that doesnt make sense if I applied it myself. Painful. -Mosquito bites like mad. Covered. So itchy, especially my feet. The first few nights I slept outside I didn't use any repellent or even have a net so I suffered, got very little sleep. -Cement Burn. Dude cement burns. Did you know that? I didn't. Apparently the lime in the concrete mix does something chemically that causes it to be acidic or basic, on eof those two, it eats flesh. So you get open wounds and then your foot swells. Oh and the cement binds to your skin so it gets rashy and irritated. -Swollen Hands. It's either what naturally happens when your body tries to retain heat or the cement again. -Diarrhea. I introduced bacteria into my digestive system I think when I first ate the Haitian BBQ from a street vendor. And then again when I had the fish and fried plantains at the beach. Again from the corn. Again with the calamari. All of which were delicious and well worth the uncomfortable bathroom situation. Plus I had prescribed Ciphro (antibiotics - oh the wonders of med technology). -Got a cut about 2 inches below my right knee I forget exactly how but during the construction process somewhere. -One of the mosquito bites on my elbow got infected. -Got my big toe smashed during a game of soccer. Came home to find my sock bloody and a cut beneath a broken toe nail. -Bloody blisters on both of my palms from bashing walls with a sledgehammer without gloves. -Massive migrane that put me down for an hour. Probably from dehydration or a mild case of food poisoning.
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