M-day Advent Calendar:
Door 16:
Sunday, December 16, 2012
M-Day Countdown Day 16: Dec 16
Should I have a bachelor party or not? I didn't want one, but Elaine kept insisting I have one, nothing that comes to mind when I think about it appeals to me. Of all the versions I've partook in throughout the history of my life; bbq and volleyball, Vegas, Tahoe Cabin (drugs, booze and stripper), Strip joint, bar hopping in a major city, dinner, camping, bonfire - none really appeal to me. I've always imagined a great journey to a far off land, but that proves to be cost prohibitive and I have very limited time at this juncture. But what I realized I love more than anything is road tripping. So I'm playing with the idea of making up a mission and going, only problem is again the time thing. She's okay with a road trip as long as I don't go alone and we get our stuff done before I go. I think I may just end up having a bbq - lots of meat and dudes. I feel like though if it's just going to be a bbq with guys and meat there should be some form of violence involved.
M-day Advent Calendar:
M-day Advent Calendar:
M-Day Countdown Day 15: Dec 15
Now that I'm officially done with my first semester at Mills I need to work towards the wedding -getting things done:
Went to the city found my self in the middle of santa con - the largest gathering of santas in the world and picked up my new suit and got a shirt.
Went and got wing tipped shoes to match the suit.
Stopped by chase to get checks made.
Got a $4.25 hotdog for $4.00. Merry Christmas!
Went straight to the tailor in El Cerrito to get adjustments made to the suit.
Went to FedEx mailed off the check to the insurance guy.
Got home, at the same time as both my neighbors on either side and met the one on the right side for the first time and had an impromptu meeting right there on the sidewalk about the dope dealers on our street. Sat down for a moment, scarfed down a microwaved burrito, rushed off to SF again to a friends house, ran into Whole foods to grab a bottle of wine. Drove like idiots to the complex in the middle of downtown SF in the middle of holiday season found no parking, drove back to my friends caught a cab and went right back.
Listened to music by various people in didn't know and a handful I did in a penthouse, remembered that I always wanted to learn the guitar and take singing lessons. Dreamed about having live music at my art shows and wedding.
Crashed. Had Breakfast.
Watched the game(s)
M-Day Advent Calendar:
15th Day:
Saturday, December 15, 2012
M-Day Countdown Day 14: Dec 14
Here's my formula to making the decision to get married, this is what I came up with, I'm not saying it'll work for everyone but it did for me:
1.) Find someone who's compelling. This means when you leave this person or are separated from them for a while you can't help but to think about them, be drawn to them, have that nag in your heart. Even when you have questions about them, it's difficult to walk away because there's something compelling about them. And this may sound all feeling but I'm talking actual personality traits, their values, physical qualities you like, or are attracted to, or you know are good, things you've thought about, observed.
2.)Redefine love for yourself. I've been in relationships in the past. Some long ones, where I've felt like I was in love, it may have been true or not but in my heart it felt real. And that feeling is impossible to shake. It stays with you forever and it became my definition of love, if it didn't look like this then it isn't love - that's what I felt even though my brain told me no! there's got to be other versions. That particular time, maturity, person, me, place, circumstance, weather, value where that version of what love was conceived can never be recreated. I was too weak to do anything about it, we as people are too weak to do anything about it. We live with it and are held captive to this particular definition of love and nothing could ever measure up to it. We're doomed, but one day we have to man up and beat down our heart and brain and tell them no! love can look like different, and will each and every time, let me feel what this new love is let it be real, help me clear the slate and welcome another.
3.)Reassess your values. Anything in your life that you make more important than anything else will be more important. That's it. I had to look at my life and honestly look into it and think about what I valued the most. The things I was most passionate about, thought about the most, worked on the most. Because this thing crowds out anything else. And if I didn't intentionally stop and examine I would've never noticed. One day I reassessed everything and changed the order of the things I valued and put a person before, in my case, art and my career.
4.)Make a decision. We usually wait to fall into things, or hope that the stars would align or certain circumstances would lead to something and I think that does happen (trust me, I'm a hopeless romantic I know) but you have a make decision, because sometimes it doesn't and then people move on. The decision could be the circumstance, it changes everything - it starts with the head and moves to heart. It's unexpected and risky, it's scariest thing because you've never experienced what might come after and now you've committed to jumping out that plane. It's crazy but it's the only way, you can't test everything before making a decision sometimes you just have to choose.
M-day Advent Calendar:
1.) Find someone who's compelling. This means when you leave this person or are separated from them for a while you can't help but to think about them, be drawn to them, have that nag in your heart. Even when you have questions about them, it's difficult to walk away because there's something compelling about them. And this may sound all feeling but I'm talking actual personality traits, their values, physical qualities you like, or are attracted to, or you know are good, things you've thought about, observed.
2.)Redefine love for yourself. I've been in relationships in the past. Some long ones, where I've felt like I was in love, it may have been true or not but in my heart it felt real. And that feeling is impossible to shake. It stays with you forever and it became my definition of love, if it didn't look like this then it isn't love - that's what I felt even though my brain told me no! there's got to be other versions. That particular time, maturity, person, me, place, circumstance, weather, value where that version of what love was conceived can never be recreated. I was too weak to do anything about it, we as people are too weak to do anything about it. We live with it and are held captive to this particular definition of love and nothing could ever measure up to it. We're doomed, but one day we have to man up and beat down our heart and brain and tell them no! love can look like different, and will each and every time, let me feel what this new love is let it be real, help me clear the slate and welcome another.
3.)Reassess your values. Anything in your life that you make more important than anything else will be more important. That's it. I had to look at my life and honestly look into it and think about what I valued the most. The things I was most passionate about, thought about the most, worked on the most. Because this thing crowds out anything else. And if I didn't intentionally stop and examine I would've never noticed. One day I reassessed everything and changed the order of the things I valued and put a person before, in my case, art and my career.
4.)Make a decision. We usually wait to fall into things, or hope that the stars would align or certain circumstances would lead to something and I think that does happen (trust me, I'm a hopeless romantic I know) but you have a make decision, because sometimes it doesn't and then people move on. The decision could be the circumstance, it changes everything - it starts with the head and moves to heart. It's unexpected and risky, it's scariest thing because you've never experienced what might come after and now you've committed to jumping out that plane. It's crazy but it's the only way, you can't test everything before making a decision sometimes you just have to choose.
M-day Advent Calendar:
Door 15 brings us:
I'm going to start sleeping in all the rooms in my house, starting with this one:
Friday, December 14, 2012
M-Day Countdown Day 13: Dec 13
Words.
Today, 2 hours before my final review to end my first semester at Mills I sat there eating breakfast wondering what I should do. I had a few hours before the 3 person committee would come in to my studio and review my work. I'd already spent 2 whole days prepping for Open Studios which happened this past weekend so I was pretty set up, presentable for the review. But there was a choice I needed to make which was between locking myself in the studio suiting up and throwing down more paint, making last minute work to reinforce the pieces I already had, I work well under pressure, this we established already - I coud get it done if I wanted or the alternative would be to write, sit there and write, practice the words I would speak to them. Write out my thoughts, ideas, organize, clump into like families, think about my concepts. Then I decided - to write, that words were powerful. I could make the worst piece look amazing by talking about it in such way. I could break bones, knock someone out, scar them for life, make them think they're ugly - I'd much rather get into a physical fist fight than be verbally raped and left for dead - it'd haunt me forever, I'd cry about it a decade later. I'll think I'm a fat, ugly, stupid, loser just cause they told me I was over and over again. Words, I'll use to my words this time.
M-Day Advent Calendar:
Today, 2 hours before my final review to end my first semester at Mills I sat there eating breakfast wondering what I should do. I had a few hours before the 3 person committee would come in to my studio and review my work. I'd already spent 2 whole days prepping for Open Studios which happened this past weekend so I was pretty set up, presentable for the review. But there was a choice I needed to make which was between locking myself in the studio suiting up and throwing down more paint, making last minute work to reinforce the pieces I already had, I work well under pressure, this we established already - I coud get it done if I wanted or the alternative would be to write, sit there and write, practice the words I would speak to them. Write out my thoughts, ideas, organize, clump into like families, think about my concepts. Then I decided - to write, that words were powerful. I could make the worst piece look amazing by talking about it in such way. I could break bones, knock someone out, scar them for life, make them think they're ugly - I'd much rather get into a physical fist fight than be verbally raped and left for dead - it'd haunt me forever, I'd cry about it a decade later. I'll think I'm a fat, ugly, stupid, loser just cause they told me I was over and over again. Words, I'll use to my words this time.
M-Day Advent Calendar:
On Day 13:
Slow, inadequate, socially awkward, a genius, wasn't passionate.
Throw a punch. No. Use your words.
Black eye. Swollen. No. Thick skin isn't always thick enough.
Transcends.
Sound waves.
Inner damage. The outside immaculate.
Two worlds existing in perceived harmony.
Civil.
The things I said. Haunt. Me. More than you.
Forgive me. Help me to forgive me.
A nagging, like a ache.
I feel like you said.
I wish I could say.
Come what may.
And walk away.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
M-Day Countdown Day 12: Dec 12
Disasters. If you really think about marriage it's a disaster. Think about the concept; you're asking two people, in our case, who have lived their lives as individual beings for more than 30 years and asking these completely independent forms to come together and become one. I'm someone who could barely take orders without feeling grated or butt hurt. How are you going to tell me to go and fuse with another person and think about things together and make decisions together. I feel like if this were a physics problem: combine 2 things and make it one, it would be impossible. Actually relationally I think it's impossible too, I think maybe the best relationships, the ones we all hope ours would be like are just the best try. If you want it easy, don't get in a relationship or anything committed, seriously, never get married it will be easier - guaranteed. But then without the challenge, without that person looking at you at all times, watching you all the time you'll never be the best you can be, you won't grow towards better. So you choose: easy life (individual) but you'll only be mediocre or challenging life (married) but you'll grow towards better. It's seriously up to you. I'm not saying one's better.
M-Day Advent Calendar:
M-Day Advent Calendar:
once:
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
M-Day Countdown Day 11: Dec 11
My favorite Christmas Song:
M-Day Advent Calendar:
Said the night wind to the little lamb
Do you see what I see
Way up in the sky little lamb
Do you see what I see
A star, a star
Dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big as a kite
Said the little lamb to the shepard boy
Do you hear what I hear
Ringing through the sky shepard boy
Do you hear what I hear
A song, a song
High above the tree
With a voice as big as the sea
With a voice as big as the sea
Said the shepard boy to the mighty king
Do you know what I know
In your palace wall mighty king
Do you know what I know
A child, a child
Shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Said the king to the people everywhere
Listen to what I say
Pray for peace people everywhere
Listen to what I say
The child, the child
Sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light
He will bring us goodness and light
The child, the child
Sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light
Do you see what I see
Way up in the sky little lamb
Do you see what I see
A star, a star
Dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big as a kite
Said the little lamb to the shepard boy
Do you hear what I hear
Ringing through the sky shepard boy
Do you hear what I hear
A song, a song
High above the tree
With a voice as big as the sea
With a voice as big as the sea
Said the shepard boy to the mighty king
Do you know what I know
In your palace wall mighty king
Do you know what I know
A child, a child
Shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Said the king to the people everywhere
Listen to what I say
Pray for peace people everywhere
Listen to what I say
The child, the child
Sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light
He will bring us goodness and light
The child, the child
Sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light
M-Day Advent Calendar:
Behind door number 11 you'll find:
M-Day Countdown Day 10: Dec 10
My favorite Christmas memory just a memory:
I don't have a specific one but I do remember the times way back when when the entire family congregated in one place, the happy times. I was the oldest, the one boy for a long time until others came, my mom one of five - her siblings each married & had 2 kids - that made 10 of us. And then there were my grandparents and Peter the son of my moms aunt and my other cousins - 4 of them. And then Moses the other cousin. I honestly dont know how exactly we were related but it didn't matter, just that we were and that we were all there together. And the guitar would come out and the adults would sing and some of the kids were hyperactive, and there were different sub divisions in every room. The anti social ones hiding watching television, some playing the piano, the men in the dining room, old folks in the den, kids upstairs, the women in the kitchen annex. I didn't know where to go, with the kids? the adults? I just roamed and was happy there was life everywhere. Then the divorces happened and we rarely saw those cousins bc they lived with their moms, then some moved away to different states, then the deaths, first my grandparents (the ones who held everything together), then my uncles, then came the infighting and other things. Now we've dwindled from that robust 50. I still dream of those days, I honestly do, scheme of ways to bring everyone back together, the only thing I can think of was my wedding but my cousins some of them won't be there for various reasons. So my dream lies deferred. Another day. Maybe my funeral except I wouldn't be there to enjoy it. I need another plan - fame.
M-Day Advent Calendar:
I don't have a specific one but I do remember the times way back when when the entire family congregated in one place, the happy times. I was the oldest, the one boy for a long time until others came, my mom one of five - her siblings each married & had 2 kids - that made 10 of us. And then there were my grandparents and Peter the son of my moms aunt and my other cousins - 4 of them. And then Moses the other cousin. I honestly dont know how exactly we were related but it didn't matter, just that we were and that we were all there together. And the guitar would come out and the adults would sing and some of the kids were hyperactive, and there were different sub divisions in every room. The anti social ones hiding watching television, some playing the piano, the men in the dining room, old folks in the den, kids upstairs, the women in the kitchen annex. I didn't know where to go, with the kids? the adults? I just roamed and was happy there was life everywhere. Then the divorces happened and we rarely saw those cousins bc they lived with their moms, then some moved away to different states, then the deaths, first my grandparents (the ones who held everything together), then my uncles, then came the infighting and other things. Now we've dwindled from that robust 50. I still dream of those days, I honestly do, scheme of ways to bring everyone back together, the only thing I can think of was my wedding but my cousins some of them won't be there for various reasons. So my dream lies deferred. Another day. Maybe my funeral except I wouldn't be there to enjoy it. I need another plan - fame.
M-Day Advent Calendar:
Feel loved I love you.
Door diez holds:
working on it
Sunday, December 9, 2012
M-Day Countdown Day 9: Dec 9
Dead tired, falling asleep every time I'm still for a moment, I snuck up to the balcony of church and passed out there - they said there was someone snoring during the sermon I'm pretty sure it was me, going off of zero hours of sleep in the past 2 days, up all night prepping for my Open Studios at Mills. Which I didn't invite a single person to because I felt like I had nothing to invite them to, then at like 4 in the morning when I started having stuff I regretted it, not so much to show what I had but more as an update on my life - "this is what I've been up to - look". I work fast and well under pressure, it's crazy the amount of work I could produce in a day under pressure versus a leisurely month. I'm a terrible planner so having plenty of time stresses me out but stick me in a foxhole and things start to happen. It's nice having someone around you all the time because they see this stuff about you and verbalize it, things that I've already noticed about myself but the verbalization makes it real.
I feel strong and confident about being in the MFA program for the first time since starting a few months back, after the marathon session last night, coming up with all that new work (lot of refining required but it's a good start) - it's now the end of the first semester - about time.
Just passed out in the restaurant too.
M-Day Advent Calendar:
Puerta numero ocho:
we feel safe watching from behing the fence
Saturday, December 8, 2012
M-Day Countdown Day 8: Dec 8
I'm a lucky guy. I can't believe a bastard like me scored such a great girl. I don't know how half the guys got the girls that they did. Guys are slimy sometimes without even knowing it but honorable but slimy.
(I like dance music and Florence and now Harris after hearing his interview on NPR)
I'm one of them. Sometimes I feel like a child trying to cope with the realities of life. She's so patient, unbelievably so, and doesn't need to be a mom now right now, she can be that when we actually have kids. The more I think about this and her I think about me. I have issues still. Lots of them. The more you experience life the more issues you have, I feel like. And I've experienced my share. And I want to experience more. That's part of it. Working through this stuff. Being honest with yourself and then you can talk about it honestly. Don't be scared or embarrassed. Otherwise it stews and stew goes bad when it sits in the pot forever.
M-Day Advent Calendar:
(I like dance music and Florence and now Harris after hearing his interview on NPR)
I'm one of them. Sometimes I feel like a child trying to cope with the realities of life. She's so patient, unbelievably so, and doesn't need to be a mom now right now, she can be that when we actually have kids. The more I think about this and her I think about me. I have issues still. Lots of them. The more you experience life the more issues you have, I feel like. And I've experienced my share. And I want to experience more. That's part of it. Working through this stuff. Being honest with yourself and then you can talk about it honestly. Don't be scared or embarrassed. Otherwise it stews and stew goes bad when it sits in the pot forever.
M-Day Advent Calendar:
On the 8th day:
examine yourselves
Friday, December 7, 2012
M-Day Countdown Day 7: Dec 7
We hate everything even remotely associated with the thing that caused us so much hurt and trauma. When those other things might actually be good for us. But we can't think that clearly through the pain.
M-day Advent Calendar:
M-day Advent Calendar:
Out from door 7 comes:
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