Monster

 

 Be on the look out, this monster showed up down the block from Lois the Pie Queen in North Oakland a few days ago.

Kenneth Yoshizaki

Have you seen this man?

It was during my sophomore year in college, I remember because I was in my bedroom at the Amar Court house, when I got a phone call on my land line, the only line I had. I picked up my cordless:
"Hello?"
Short pause and then a timid voice asks, "Hi, is this David?"
"Yup, Dave speaking."
"Oh, hi this is Eric."
"I'm sorry, Eric who? I know a few Erics so..."
"Oh, yeah uh this is Eric from West High."
"What West High?" My brain starts working double time trying to recollect who this might be.....to no avail.

So the conversation continues and slowly everything starts to unveil. Eric was a freshman when I was a senior in high school. One random lunch period, I apparently walked up to him when he was sitting alone on a grassy field and struck up a conversation with him, opening with "hey, are you okay?" I honestly didn't remember any of this but it wasn't surprising to me that I would do something like that, I was gregarious then.... more for survival than anything altruistic.  And even though I couldn't recall, he did and told me the entire story without leaving out a single detail. So that was the thing; that conversation which was so insignificant to me meant something to him. That one moment impacted him enough to inspire, 2 years later, the hire of a service to track me down to the point where he could call me at my Davis house.

We kept in touch at least for a little while. I even visited him at his apartment once when I was home for one of the holidays. I remember the gate I had to get through, and his nice, young, attractive Korean mom who really loved her only son, you could just tell. We sat there in his bedroom as he was sharing about the upcoming West High talent show and the beat boxing he was going to do. I was amused as he gave me an exclusive preview of his performance, it was funny at first but dear as he continued. He wasn't half bad. That's the last interaction I remember having with him. It makes sense, given I was drunk half the time, I'm almost certain that I wanted to keep in touch but like much of the things I desired to do at that point in my life, I'm sure it fell to the way side coming in a far 235th to my first love - boozing.

And when I think back I wish that I took the opportunity to be an even bigger part of his life, maybe a big brother to a fatherless loner, guide him from afar. I've been thinking about him for a while now. Wondering whatever became of him. Last I heard he was going to UC Riverside,  he's certainly graduated by now. I've made a small impact on his life and he's made one on mine. He once sought me and now I wish to find him. I'd be willing to pay as he once did but with the advent of technology and virtual networking I'm sure it could be done without. His name was Eric Yoshizaki, but it's Kenneth in the yearbook. And he must be between 26-28 years old now. Korean/Japanese. Attended West High in Torrance class of 2000 and maybe UC Riverside.

Journey for Grace

The issue was I started the poster about 2 years ago almost to completion, completed it maybe 6 months before now but wanted to have it documented professionally before losing it forever. The photography belatedly happened last weekend. So I finally mailed it out the other day, after having it sit and collect dust for so long in my studio I'm glad to get rid of it. Almost 2 years late. Better late than never right? Right? I don't know, I just don't like breaking promises and I gave my word that a piece of art would be coming to her. There are definitely situations when keeping the said promise becomes inappropriate. Like say for example the girl was now married and you no longer maintained a friendship or she became a nun or the past was so hurtful that the painting or the act of receiving it would bring back painful memories that just needed to be forgotten. But this situation was none of those. We simply got busy with our own lives and lost interest in the life of the other, it wasn't bad, it just naturally dissipated.....which is perfectly fine. I think that's what happens when the relationship is romantic before there was ever a friendship and the romantic part doesn't last long enough for a friendship to develop. I still believe good relationships build from good friendships.

So I just titled it and mailed it with no note, although I did put my name so that she would know who it's from and my address is on the return for the packaging. I'm not expecting a response. "No response required". I hope she enjoys it. It was a good piece, one I would've liked to keep, the only reason I was glad to see it go was because I'd already let it go. Someone even offered to buy it for a pretty reasonable price, I honestly deliberated just for a moment but the work was too specific so I couldn't. Just didn't seem right.

Punch Myself in the Face

Have you ever wanted to punch yourself?
The other day, I was punching the bag with a new pair of gloves, and then I started wondering how much it would hurt if I got hit with someone wearing that particular set of gloves. So I punched myself in the face, lightly at first then I got brave and really went for it. Hurt like hell. Immediately following I was wondering why I would inflict such pain on myself as I stood for a moment seriously moaning. Mouth open moaning. But this isn't even what I'm talking about.

I'm working on a graphic novel, really a small zine for the upcoming SF zinefest in September. Something I've been wanting to do for a long time, but now that I have a deadline I think I'll actually get it done unless I just can't get past the story. See once I get the story down I'll be free to illustrate and do the imagery, but I'm stuck right now with the story. I'm just as excited with the writing but it definitely isn't my strong suite. I have a nice intro, good scenes, but no end, and no real overarching theme and there aren't details about the relationship..it just kind of starts and then ends. It's a story that's supposed to be loosely based on my life and a particular relationship but it's completely that very story to the T. I can't seem to separate myself from it enough to fictionalize any of it. The other part is I don't exactly remember all the very specific details so I'd have to go back and revisit physical documents to get those. Anytime you do that, it's a little scary. You never know what will happen. Although I'm pretty confident I've completely healed from that particular past, there are the things that still affect you even after the healing, the things that are peripheral to the relationship. There's always the unexpected, as much as you try to consider every possible thing that could happen, you never think of the one that does.

So last night I ventured to that place. I went down to the basement and dug up all the old journals, mementos, photos and letters. Then I went to my email account and searched for all the emails that were exchanged over the 6 years, so many at the beginning only a handful in the end. I sat there reading them, initially unaffected, not surprised that I wasn't. Then I got into the long break up emails the ones that described in detail why things didn't work. The ones that gave detailed descriptions of how wonderful we were as people yet not compatible. The ones that told of how sorry we were for all the pressures and wrongful expectations we placed on each other. And then the story started to unfold even further... in the details, in the snapshot of everyday life that was captured in g-chat email records. I was still trying to figure out life and my passions, I couldn't promise a future I didn't know but I wanted to so bad.

There was one chat string in particular that broke me. She started humming, in the youngest child-like way she did and I ignored that completely, instead pressing her about plane tickets, she continued humming.. punching out beautiful words to this song, I kept pressing between those words until she responded to me. Then I told her I was
If I could heal your words
leaving to eat and she inquired about the food and who I was eating
Shelter me
with and I simply said "spaghetti" and left..in the string you could
Comfort me
see additional questions and the multiple hellos? Hellos? David?
You will live
You there? and then a sad face :( . And I could hear her voice and I was
If I could show you how
cringing, helpless, unable to go back in time. All I could do was pinch
I won't desert you now
the skin on top of my forearms. I was so insensitive, so mean.
The rain can't hurt me now
Who was that guy? How dare he, how dare I. And at that moment I
This rain will wash away what's past
wanted to punch him in the face, punch myself in the face.
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last

Pemex Strikes Again

Right by the Lake.

Kero One

Mike Kim from the City, I never knew this guy did hip hop he always just told me he did mixes, I always thought it was dance music. I'm just now listening to his stuff, he's pretty dope though, has his own label, produces, Djs....I love entrepreneurship, always so inspiring. Oh and he just got married:







This one sounds cool too but I can't find the music video. It all comes together in the end:

Joey

My friend Joey left to go live at a Buddhist monastery for the second time. His first Halloween in Oakland was mine also, that's the night we met. He bequeathed to me his entire wardrobe before he left, too bad he's six inches taller than me. Don't know when he'll be back.....for the second time.

I'm feel'n this and it fits as I think of him. Joey would feel this too. Oh and he gave me a grip of music, I haven't even started to scratch the surface.

Just One of those Days

You ever have one of those days where you have to catch your breath every so often because so much is going on, it's rough and you just forget. I've had one of those today. Even now as I type this out I'm finding myself having to stop for a moment to remember to breathe, not a short quick one but a long slow one..... and it feels like that breath is the only moment away from the hard day. And sometimes when I have those days I feel like my diaphragm contracts and stays that way and it almost hurts to take that deep breath. And sometimes I mistake the diaphragm for my heart.

Explosions in the Sky is helping me breathe.