Should've Called

Heard today that the wedding of a friend of ours got called off. He wasn't feel'n it anymore, hasn't been for a long time even before the proposal, thought the act would change it, but it didn't. He confessed, and wanted to still go through with it but she called it off.

Heard today that a friend of mine from college died. He was in a coma for a few months, sudden, from a stroke, a stroke? Who gets a stroke at 35. It happens when you're 60, 70, 80, 90 not 35 (would've been 36 next week). The thing was I honestly haven't talked to him for a long time and suddenly for about a 2 week period recently he entered my mind, out of nowhere, I wanted to call him and check in but never did, and this was before the stroke.

Went to a studio mates art opening today and found her to be absent. I inquired and heard that her father died. Wayne wasn't around as well, I didn't ask, but was told one of his good friends dad died.

Ran into today an old acquaintance from Davis, hadn't seen her in almost a decade. Surprised she recognized me, I don't know if I would have her. It was really pleasant for some reason.

I saw today Cheol for the last time, he was our summer intern from Korea, he goes back Sunday.

I decided today that I'm going to Kev and Beccas wedding in South Carolina the day after my last day of work. $400, $500, $600 Fuck it. It's worth it.

I go to the funeral Sunday.

I Have Decided

I'm going to Art School I decided (well, mostly yesterday). The journey begins!

Haiti Again?

I was in Haiti a year ago, May of 2010. It was the toughest place I've ever been. Upon return I knew I wanted to go back and form a long term relationship with the people, with the country work towards change. I wasn't quite sure how but there was a girl I was there with, she had the same idea. The thought was we'd return and collaborate to create a nonprofit that would help a specific slum village there. I was on board until I realized there are some people you can only be friends with and not business partners. My friends dad always warned of the distinction, and keeping that sacred. So she continued with the venture as I decided to figure out another way I could be involved with Haiti. I recently had a random wondering about the organization she started so I went on her website and saw that it hadn't gone very far. I'm not sure what that means, there just wasn't a lot of money raised towards the project. I haven't talked to her so it could be anything. It sparked nothing. But today I saw this article in Rolling Stone and the flame was reignited. Another tug in this time of transition that I'm not sure what to do with.

Managing Perceptions

I had this girlfriend once she used to work for this consulting group that got the insurance companies to fork up what they owed the hospitals. It takes a particular type of person to work for a firm that has you argue and debate for a living. I guess that's what lawyers do. You definitely can't be passive or shy. Gotta be direct, very direct and clear. Anyhow she told me a story about how her boss pulled here aside and talked to her about dying the tips of her jet black hair red, I've seen it, I liked it. But apparently it wasn't good to have red tips when consulting with clients, it was unprofessional. The phrase she apparently used was "managing perception" that's what she had to do that. It really stuck with her because after that she always talked about it - managing your, my, our perception (esp. in light of meeting her parents amongst other things...but we'll save that talk for another day).

I've learned to do that well: manage my perception. I've done it so well that it's actual, no longer a mere managing. I tried to look busy, look efficient, look productive and now I actually became those things, except add the word "am too" in front of all those and omit the "look". For some reason tonight I've come to that realization. I was just at a study group and there my mind is thinking about work projects and deadlines instead of the topic of discussion, the evidence is right there on the copy of the study I had, my notes read: intern tour set date, Mon. mtg. time, Wedding, Suzie, Becca, fix labels gmail, label L & F. And then I'm so anxious I can't even be there to chat casually as we leave because I need so badly to get back home so that I could shoot out some work related emails. It then dawned on me as I log in to my email at 10:45 pm. This is no way to live. I'm a prisoner here, where is the freedom? There is no distinction between my work and the rest of my life. When I used to work for Genentech I got in to work at 8 and left at 5 each day and never thought about it again until I went back the next day....that was it, clean, clear, done. Now work taints every part of my life, there is no sacred anymore. And what's life without the sacred....death.

Somethings got to change.

9 Crimes

Is that alright?

Documenting the Trip to the Southland

Got in at 1am

Sat - Went to the dentist to get my teeth fixed for free (made possible through the generous sponsorship from the parentals). It's all guilt, they get honestly mad if I spend too much of my own money because in L.A. you can go to a Korean establishment and get everything for cheaper..and my parents won;t only show me the way, they will pay for it. That's how they show their love. old school Korean style. How can I deny love. You don't understand or maybe you do, but if you only saw their faces when I try to decline their offer - you'd understand. Plus I went a dentist up here for my diagnostic and scaling - came away with a $4,000 dental plan. Stressed me out for a week...felt like all my teeth were going to rot out unless I got rich quick. So I tell him (Korean) what she (Filipino) said and he says it's actually less than $1000 (given he just did a quick look scan), but of course he had to add "Filipinos are a problem." To which I had no comment.

Went to the Torrance Farmers market. Bought some Bison meat which they claim to be healthier and leaner than most other meats except chicken, but left before even getting a chance to cook and try it. Chicken always comes out top. The bison still sits in my parents fridge as we speak. Bought some fruit, ate some food and played in the park with Harmony, taught her, kind of, how to roll down the hill. No body bought the pies from the lonely pie lady.

On whim we decide to go the OCF - Orange County Fair

Part rodeo/part comedy show/part carnival/part amusement park/part motorcross/part farm/part art show/part museum/part hypnosis/part peking acrobats/part circus/part zoo = Orange County Fair

Man, all that for the low admission cost of $11. Worth it. Food though, that's where the money is made or lost depending on where you are: vender or consumer.

Rodeos are rad by the way! Always wanted to go, never knew. Add that to your bucket list.

Loved it! Recommend it to everyone and anyone. Something for the whole family, something for everyone: gangsters, cowboys, girlfriends, artists, dancers, lovers, old people, motorcyclists, biker gang members, yuppies, gays, people who believe in sasquatch, Russians....oh but not hipsters, I saw no hipsters.

Sunday - 8am Harmony wakes up, climbs down the stairs and looks for "oncol daybit". Finds him passed out on the couch because he has no where to lay his head in his (well, his parents) own home. His former room is well, former - full of kids toys and clothes. We attempt to get breakfast at the Original Pancake House which upon arrival had just as many people tailgating while waiting as there were inside. So pass. Ended up getting Y Not (3 stars), like half a block from my house after driving around for 5 miles.

Headed to Reality L.A. with my sister close behind. My sister, I never have to worry about losing, she's one who I have 100% confidence will be following right behind me no matter what crazy L.A. driver tries to come between us. Inseparable. You know why? because she's one of them: a crazy L.A. driver just like me. Birds of the feather flock together. So enroute we get lost for like 30 minutes before finding the place. Elaine and I get in a fight..but we need not talk about that here. The stupidest thing was in the end I realized I knew where the place was, but for some reason I go to google and look up directions (now I'm not blaming google for getting us lost, it was human error, I read the directions wrong), it's like drugs, we don't need them but we're so used to them we take them without even thinking. Luckily the guy talked for a long time so we made it for half the message, and got to listen to the band, who was so nicely, hollwoodly polished that I had to put on my sunglasses, so I wouldn't go blind or maybe to blend in, or feign ignorance by cutting off all chance of making eye contact with anybody.

Jimmey Chen, my friend from back in SF, attends the church so we had kabob lunch afterwards.

We parted ways: Elaine to the her wedding (which is really why we came down(I tagged along to L.A.)), Jimmy to his BBQ, My sister, Harmony and I LACMA bound.

To Suffer

When self confidence starts to wane you grab for anything to gain it back as soon as is possible. And usually that thing isn't the best choice, it's a temporary plug to fill the hole but in reality the hole still exists. Sometimes its best to live in that lack, because it takes time to get rid of the hole for good.

Dayfly

Why is it that when someone comes from a disadvantaged life, the incredible talent they have moves you to the core until you can't help but to cry?

Tupac Tribute

Apparently Issac finally admits he shot Tupac.

"I want to apologize to his [Tupac's] family and for the mistake I did for that sucker [Rosemond]," Dexter Isaac told AllHipHop.com today (June 15), on the eve of Tupac's 40th birthday.




2pac & Nas - Thugz Mansion - MyVideo
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright (I wanna go)
Nothin but peace (I wanna go) love (I wanna go nigga)
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion







I remember back in '97 bumping this super loud on repeat, in my black honda accord two door coupe, on the way to Wakkos funeral. His name was John, I'm pretty sure, I'm surprised I still remember. I ditched my AP tests that day. I tried to go back and demand the tests I paid for but the librarian wouldn't give them to me.
























Oakland baby!




and we'll end with something a little more wholesome...


This dude was dope. What a shame, would've been 40 today. The memories...you know how there are those songs that you associate with a certain time in your life - this was straight up my high school years. L.A. 213. These songs would definitely take up at lot of track space in the sound track of my life right there in between like 1994 - 1997. I was traveling in Australia back in 2002 I went to see the movie Biggie and Tupac and I walked out of the film feeling all crazy, kind of depressed, sentimental, a little disturbed.. I remembering trying to explain it to a girl at the hostel, I was spewing out nonsense, she had no sympathy, I guess she didn't get it, I didn't really get it, I recall thinking she probably thinks I'm nuts. Looking back and I didn't realize it then but I know now exactly what it was: nostalgia, along with the subject of the movie it brought back the bittersweet feelings associated with memories (but not the memories themselves) of my teenage years lived out on the streets of L.A.

Here is it: the Best of Tupac. I did all the dirty work for you now all you gotta do is listen....to the greatest hip hop artist ever. Enjoy!

A Small Painting

Done on a pretty small old canvas. 12 x 6. the details in the face I did with some really cheap crayola color pencils in found in the dumpster. No wonder they threw them out but worked for me, better in fact than some really expensive old prisma colors I had, go figure..Well, I bet the prisma work real nice on paper and the crayolas suck. One mans junk is anothers treasure, I'm a firm, firm believer. Because I used canvas the fat pencil tip wouldnt get down past the textured canvas which is why there's the gritty look, it's not just crap pixilation. But I used watercolor washes to put in some flesh tones and smooth out the gritty. Can't go wrong with Pelikan colors, expensive but worth it for sure. I need to go back and get more colors, more options, more flair. And I just used a gel ink black pen for the eyes, super black and clean, perfect for that. In the background, I used cheapo art store brand acrylic for the yellow, had to do a thousand layers, the paint sucked, doesnt stick to the surface, it basically crumbles on and you have to kind of squash it on there. The finished product was nasty. The Liquitex medium magenta went on smooth, like peanut butter, it just feels good, for some of the rays I only needed one layer, a second just for good measure. An universe of difference. Too bad I'm stuck with a crate load of crap art store brand acrylics that I got when I was a broke ass art student. I never skimp on materials anymore, it pays to pay. My advice to you.