Another Friday

Sitting here at my desk.
Finally got this blog to work-its taken me 7 months.
Not Eating today. Had a huge Breakfast.
Life is interesting-how I want to be a part of life is maybe the question that sits at the forefront of my mind.
I'm going to Ny with Ferrier in less than a week. Gotta do laundry. I kind of dont want to go-I'll get too drunk and spend tons of money-I have to redeem this purely recreational trip somehow make it worth more than just pure fun-I have to do a painting for Derek before I leave. That's my goal, you always have to have to have some sort of goal or a point of motivation. whatever you do.
So what to do. I started looking for jobs on Craigslist yesterday during lunch-just to see whats out there for me- I found absolutely nothing- there's nothing I want to do. It did make me appreciate my current trabajo but if I stay here and do the same thing-that's exatly what I'd be doing exactly the same damn thing-living in this lazy world of comfort. I want to make an impact-comfort doesn't help me do that-it helps me be comfortable. I mean I'm not lazy- I go to the gym, sleep little, read a lot, go to work fulltime, go to studies on Thursdays, walk down the street to deposit checks or grab a bite, been going out more on weekends with friends but mostly I'm in my studio-but how is all this going to help the broken and rid the world of poverty and hate. It's not- and so I call that lazy- I do secretly hope to make painting that are inspiring and tell stories, that move people to go-go out and do something-live outside themselves. I dont know though-I'm a little discouraged-as far as creating. My work sucks- you know what though I think I know why-its because I have a natural style but I always try to create outside that natural style-I always assign myself huge projects that maybe aren't necessarily who I am.

Note to self: start creating only for my natural style who cares what it looks like or how it turns out. Who cares what others my think, although it matters a lot because they dictate whether I get in a show or not, but still who gives a sh..

Anyhow I submitted to this show-I later realized after the fact that I can't even invite my friends if I did get in b'c it's some lame closed party for super Yelpers-I didnt even know what Yelp was until I had to sign up for an account just to submit. I've never seen anything like my piece in a show and I dont mean that in a it's super-great-and-unique-kind-of-way, I mean it in a it kind-of-sucks-so-no-gallery-really-puts-up-stuff-like-mine-way. Well, we'll see and I am modifying it so it should be better. I always have great concepts and then I execute and then in the end I can't close the deal-tie it together.

Aw man this is therapeutic. More than painting. Maybe I should write.
I have all my emails saved form The Greatest Australian-New Zealand-Papua New Guniea-Adventure Ever!..I should fix it and try to publish or do a comic or write a book, except i cant write worth nothing- imean I can but my grammer sucks and my spelling is wack as well, I suppose thats what editors are for-except mine would end up rewriting half my book.
I'll do a zine. Yeah that's what I'll do-I'm sort of out or it and behind as far as the latest but I guess that what the new art kids are doign to get their work out there-making 2 dollar zines and distributing like crazy.
Note to self: Do further research on how to do a zine. Then do a lond ass zine on the Greatest Austrailian Adventure Ever!. And then send to all the characters that I've met along the way-none of whose names I will change. Yeah dude that'd be super rad.

That's apparently one of the ways Dave Choe got found.

Dang I havent written like this in a long time and I love it. I love writing. I could make To Do lists, write emotionally, brainstorm, note to self's...this is frikin great.

I started cussing a little bit more lately, I dont know why. I never did before.

I need less money, less comfort, I need it to be just a smiget uncomfortably cold when I go to sleep, and hurt-no not pain or hurt than I'm relying on emotion to fuel my actions- but I just want to be kept on my feet.
Fear keeps me from taking advantage of my opportunites, I've had many, and tons of support for my abilities yet i'm still here doing this because why- fear and ultimately a lack of belief in myself. I can never understand why people sit there and ask me to paint them something or introduce me and add that I'm an amazing artist-they've never really seen my stuff- how can anybody trusts me that much-I dont trust in that trust. "Here I'll pay you tons of money to make me something" what you dont even know what it'll look like. There's too much trust there. Don't you want to see my portfolio first or look at some of the things I've done in the past.

Oh yeah that reminds me I have to send a few sample pieces to Monica so she can assess if we are going be able to do this writer/illustrator collaboration-I hope it works out, I'm actually pretty excited about it.

Note to self: Email Monica photos.

Gotta go get some pantalones this weekend before I take off for NY.
To do:
Go to Gap-shut up I never go there-it's only because I have gift certificates from like 4 years ago that I need to redeem. I'll get some cords. all my clothes are junky anyways-faded, holes, paint-I need to tune up the old wardrobe. Got some new lame T-shirts from Marshalls last weekend-shopping spree-happens only once to twice a year for me. I need a new pair of everyday shoes as well-I'm thinking Sauconys-I dont know though. I'll go online.

Well, It's 1:03 meaning lunch is officially over so back to work I go. Later