Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Last Time

A few days later we decided to get lunch before she caught her train back to Baltimore. It was a Sunday, a hot day, we spent the entire day together. We went to church together in the morning then headed down the street with a friend of hers to get Japanese noodles. Afterwards we got dessert.  I wanted to talk to her but the presence of her friend made having intimate conversation difficult. So it was all small talk up to that point. Then as the three of us were walking towards Grand Central Station, we got far enough away to start to have private dialogue. I still didn’t understand completely or maybe I did. I had a few days to think about the last time. It’s not that I didn’t care, I couldn’t. I couldn’t get out the words. I missed her so much, I loved her, I’d do anything to make it work but my brain didn’t know what my heart was thinking. I had disconnected my heart from my head. The pain would have been too much to bear otherwise. I was numb. I didn’t know my thoughts. She was standing there, pleading with her sad eyes for me to say something. She said some things, but I didn’t hear. I was distracted, trying, wanting so bad to evoke emotion, to reconnect but I couldn’t. I had no response

“I’m going to go soon, this is your last chance, don't you have anything to say?” 

I wanted so bad to say something, to answer her petition but - nothing. I could only repeat over and over 

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” 

Her friend faded away unnoticed. A man came to solicit comedy show tickets 

“Can’t you see we’re having an argument here” I said to him angrily. 

He retreated apologetically. 

She pulled off my sunglasses, and looked deep into my eyes. Searching. There were tears but nothing else. Her own tears burst in to weeping then she turned and ran down the long set of stairs into the station below. I watched her go, unable to move. After a few moments I broke free from the paralysis and ran down after her but it was too late, she was gone, lost in the labyrinth of the cavernous station. I watched a train pull out and leave; I pretended that she was on that one, hoping it would give me some semblance of closure....

That was the last time I ever saw her. 

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