I have to friend who each time he sees me likes to quote me and ask, before giving me a pat on the back or a hug
"Is everything breaking everything?"
I never know what to say. I don't even remember why I ever said that in the first place. I think it was on an occasion when I was really stressed over something and loudly proclaimed in frustration.
"Everything is breaking everything!"
That sounds right. Something I could've easily done. Fits.
But today or these days in general I really feel like they are.
Everything really is breaking everything. All the most important things in my life are crumbling. The things I hold dearest to me. It seems like a chain reaction, one leading to the next. Sequential. Like a tsunami creating a path of destruction. Or maybe it's not that orderly. More like an earthquake. Everything just comes crashing down..........
Oakland - Today I got in an argument with my friend and founder of CRP, he might not let me paint anymore, demote me to a buffer. Rollers only, no spray cans for a year.
Haiti - The non-profit, I was really looking forward to starting after I got back from Haiti, is still going to happen but mostly likely without me.
Work - I've forgotten what I'm doing here in Oakland. I've lost the passion and love for the people and the city. My fire may be out or flickering, teasing like it will at any moment.
Art - I've not completed any of the art projects I've planned on doing. Or kept with the schedule I've given myself.
Relationship - I haven't heard back from a really important friend of mine.
The most difficult part about all of this is; it makes me wonder
What's wrong with me?
Because the only common denominator is ......well; me.
So don't ask me how I'm doing. Unless you want to sit there for an hour and hear the details of all the things I'm losing in my life. But even then you may not get the entire story. I may tell you "it's complicated." Or I might just say
"everything is breaking everything!" and leave it at that.
It sucks but I'm not depressed. And I have yet to descend into the pit of despair.
And as best I can I always try to remember that
It's all part of the journey.....