It's really difficult not being selfish. I used to live life trying to be unselfish and I thought I had a pretty good handle on my battle with selfishness, but then the marriage approaches and all of a sudden you realize there's a whole other level of selfishness - that's just a constantly losing battle.
The wedding and marriage are two totally different things, the way I think I about each is completely different. I am not concerned about the wedding at all, I have my suit, we did our counseling, pretty much have the schedule figured out, just need to get my haircut, a shave, started using aveeno facial scrub and have my glasses cleaned - if anything there's performance anxiety. It's just a big show, with some real moments but really a show. Behind the scenes, reality begins after the wedding, over the course of the marriage, and like I said it's a disaster asking 2 totally independent people to come together and be one. I don't say that in a bad way, but that's what it is. It's insane but necessary and profound. Life, no, world changing.
Today Mark took me out because he can't make the wedding. It was totally up to me what we did and I couldn't think of a thing (outside of a road trip, but there's no time for that), I'm a guy that often times forgets his own birthday. This was probably going to be the extent of my bachelor celebration events, I started getting anxiety over it since the conversation I had with Elaine about it. It'd be a status change, the last time I could say I was single. It's not that I'd miss being single but I think I'd miss saying "I'm going to get married." - the status of being - in progress, on the verge, of time in motion. When asked what I'd miss about being single, there was nothing - I feel supported, still have a good amount of freedom, I was in a relationship for over 2 years so I didn't date around or was promiscuous so I wouldn't miss that, what else is there?
This is how I feel: like that lone guy at the carnival looking off in the distance. Honestly. Melancholy. That's my favorite feeling: Slightly sad but beautiful.
M-Day Advent Calendar:
whats out there
I slept here:
In the room of stuff